Dec · 17 · 2009

Indianapolis Monument Circle

Christmas music, lights, movies, shows, specials, trees, goodies.  It’s all around us now.

That joyous time of year when children wait anxiously for the bounty of their dreams.  When the average person smiles a little more, feels a little happier, gives a little more.

I had thought to pose the question “Is it me or is Christmas not as joyous same this year?”.  I do know several people that are just forcing themselves to get through it this year.  It’s been a long and hard year for many.  Lost jobs, homes, loved ones.  My heart goes out to each of them.  Yet, I also know the answer to that question is simply, it is me.

I have always loved the Christmas season.  For all of the reasons in the very first sentence of this entry.  It’s exciting, happy, and just different than the rest of the year.  I am still blessed to work for a great company.  Still blessed to have a nice home and car.  Still blessed with friends, and even some new ones this year.  And blessed to have found a church home for the first time in years.  On the other hand, I’ve lost part of my family.  No not to some horrible tragedy.  But to something that might be worse actually… by their choice, because of greed and a perception of being in a better class of society.  Perhaps this has always been the case, but this year especially I am white trash for Christmas.  This is also another Christmas alone, with no love nor hint of a promise of it, which is actually a set back from last year.  The difference being last year I didn’t desire it.  Doing some last minute shopping yesterday, watching people doing theirs, smiles, decorations, the music, I realized that this is the first Christmas season in my entire life that I actually don’t like and don’t want any part of.  Those heart tugging movies about family and love that I really enjoy, only serve this year to call attention to the enormous holes in this existence.  It’s been difficult to focus on anything else.  Christmas and sadness just don’t mix.  Then it begins to feel like I’m being too selfish and so I try harder to focus on those less fortunate and in serving others.   I’ll just be glad when it’s over this year.

Bah!  Humbug!

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